Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else’s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views…that’s alright. An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment Melody Beattie’s compassionate and insightful look into codependency—the concept of losing oneself in the name of helping another— has helped millions of readers understand that they are powerless to change anyone but themselves and that caring for the self is where healing begins. I have preferred Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction for better coverage of this topic. I'm also keen to read Leslie Irvine's Codependent Forevermore, which is an even-handed critique of CoDA and the recovery moment in general.

Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to a loved one's self-destructive behaviour, you may be codependent – and you may find yourself in this book. I do not agree that any healing is dependent on having a belief in any God, Higher Power or set steps. In my humble, imperfect, but conscientiously observed opinion, it is dependent on a deeply honest, deeply caring uncovering of both our personal layers of trauma and our inherent intelligence and wisdom. As far as I'm concerned, if anyone tries to tell you you need God, 12 Steps and Higher Power to heal, then I suggest running the other way because they are likely attempting some form of evangelical conversion - a form of violence completely antithetical to healing.I feel conflicted in giving this a rating as the good stuff is at 4-5, but the stuff that bothered me - which was unfortunately a lot - was around 1-2 . I'm going to give it a 3 at this point, as I do think there are some really good insights that I felt were beneficial. But there are also a lot of holes and incredible overemphasis on alcoholism and 12 Step program dogma, which I happen to feel strongly contain elements that are damaging and limiting in their approach and perspective. I cannot ethically support that view. It was also very presumptuously Christian. I feel annoyed and disrespected in light of these perspectives being so heavily 'pushed' - from the cover I had no idea that this was so primary to the entire contents of the book. Book Genre: Counselling, Health, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Psychology, Reference, Relationships, Self Help, Spirituality Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's rsponsibilities and tend to our own instead. ... The term is now used in a more broad sense: you can use the term (or concept or ideas or paradigm, if you don't feel the need to use the latest pop culture terminology) to describe one who feels compelled to help others to the point of hurting themself and the intended compassionate recipient. The best line is these two books is that codependents do "all the wrong things for all the right reasons."

It's sort of hard to rate self-help books so I'm just going to rate this one on how helpful it was to me in particular. I would say it was 50% helpful. Simply reading its descriptions of codependency was really instructive. Lately, I've been hearing the word codependent used a lot, and most people are not using it correctly (for example, I've heard several people use it to describe couples who can't go out without each other, and that's not really what it means). Codependency has a very wide definition, but the best way that I understand it after reading this book is that codependent people let the negative behaviors of those around them affect their own feelings and behaviors in a negative way. As a result, codependents become controlling, moody and often adopt a martyr syndrome that never fixes anything. The book, which is geared towards family members of alcoholics, clarifies a lot of these unhealthy behaviors and gives tips on how to be self-aware and how to manage our emotions, which I find to be helpful, even if it's not groundbreaking scientific work or whatever. For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. when you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free. p 82 For me, the constant references to alcohol and Al-Anon grated on me, as did mentions of her religious persuasion. Yes, she nodded to spirituality, but in the end, this was an unabashed God-led Twelve-Step book. This was not what I came for. I was also unimpressed by her denigration of therapy.Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior. Kad čia pat knyga kalba apie tai, kas nėra rūpestis savimi ir kaltės atsikratymas - piktybinis kito neišgirdimas ar elgesys, kai žinai, kad kenki kitam, nėra "savo poreikių tenkinimas", abejingumas ir pasyvi agresija nėra "rūpestis savimi" ar "savo ribų brėžimas". REVISED AND UPDATED  With a New Chapter on Trauma and Anxiety, a List of Resources, and More  2023 Nautilus Book Award Winner  As heard on Glennon Doyle's We Can Do Hard Things Podcast Much of this book references alcoholism (people often develop codependent behaviors in response to having an addict in their lives), and while that is not what brought about my codependent behaviors, I still found this book to be really helpful. I imagine that it could be particularly resonant for those actually in that situation.