How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

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A simple takeaway is for husbands to drop the word “Later” from their vocabulary. Instead, replace it with the time by which you will have something done. I loved this book because it had so many hands-on ideas for improving relationships. And not just marriage, but also how you interact with your children, your parents or in-laws, your neighbors and your co-workers. On the brink of marital Armageddon, Dunn plunges into the latest relationship research, solicits the counsel of the country's most renowned couples' and sex therapists, canvasses fellow parents, and even consults an FBI hostage negotiator on how to effectively contain an "explosive situation." Instead of having the same fights over and over, Dunn and her husband must figure out a way to resolve their larger issues and fix their family while there is still time. As they discover, adding a demanding new person to your relationship means you have to reevaluate -- and rebuild -- your marriage. In an exhilarating twist, they work together to save the day, happily returning to the kind of peaceful life they previously thought was the sole province of couples without children. There are great tips in here for any couple, ranging from communication to time and money management. But one big disappointment with the book is that the subject is explored through the lens of the author's personal life -- entertaining and readable to be sure, but potentially alienating to readers of different socioeconomic status. I’m so tired of asking Andrew to do things around the house. No one has to ask me. You know why? Because I just get on with it.”

Before you disagree or respond to his allegations, try “I hear that you’re frustrated because I left you with the baby all morning and then said I needed a nap.” Use “I” statements that couples often fall into a pattern of demand and retreat—most often, the woman demands and the man retreats. This dynamic has arisen, she says, because men have less to gain by changing their behavior, while women are more likely to want to alter the status quo—which means they also initiate more fights.” The cruel paradox of weekends with kids can be boiled down to this: Parents want to relax. Kids do not.” think of chores as household membership requirements. So you explain to the child, 'Look, it takes a lot of work to run this family, and Daddy works at it, and I work at it, and you can work at it, too, and make a really important contribution...and when they help, you immediately say, 'Thank you! This makes a big difference.'" (p171) Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind, learn to just ask for what you need. Instead of seething silently over the dishes while your partner catches up on the news on the couch, just ask him to get up to help. Yes, in an ideal world, he would notice and jump up to help on his own, but it is far better to ask for what you need than silently stew.We also need to appreciate each other more. At the end of the day and on the other side of all of the experts, Dunn comes to a dozen important realizations. One of which, appreciation, seems to be the magic bullet for most of her formerly-insurmountable marriage woes. It isn't a new message but it is one that is worth repeating.

Routine is one of the best ways I know to curb arguments--it's only when things are unclear that there's anything to fight about" (p234)How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids is extremely helpful, and even comforting, if for no other reason than you realize that many couples are confronting the same programming and conflicts you are—and have managed to fight their way clear. One of the most insidious and probably profoundly dangerous coping mechanisms that we have absolutely glommed on to as a culture is staying busy,” she tells me. “And the whole unconscious idea behind it is ‘If I stay busy enough, I will never know the truth of how absolutely pissed off I am, how resentful I am, how exhausted I am from juggling everything.” When I first brought it home from the library, Bart raised an eyebrow and said, “I’m not sure what I think about that book.”